I’m a light sleeper. It doesn’t take much to rouse me from the shallows of sleep. The sounds of atoms and infinitives splitting, for example. I’ll even wake myself up splitting my own hairs.

You probably think the problem is in my head, and to the extent that it’s a headache or my personality that is splitting, I guess you have a point. But if it’s my partner’s split ends? Well, that’s not my head causing the problem!

Bananas do it too. Guts. Differences. Bills. Tickets. Sides. Seconds. A dream of cheerleaders doing crazy-ass splits will cause me to wake up with sympathy pains in my groin and my hands in my nether regions. I’m sensitive to the sound of couples splitting. (It’s not pleasant, let me tell you.) I hear the noise of split-level houses while they’re being drafted.

Hearts.

No, wait. Hearts don’t split, they break.

So what is it then that keeps waking me up at night?

No time to answer now. Gotta split.