I can’t state it any more clearly: I didn’t do it. I wasn’t even a witness. You hold me here as a person of interest on the basis of a claim that I was a passerby. Who claimed such a thing? I didn’t, and I was not a passerby. I was a passed-by. The event you’re talking about was not even an event when I was a passerby. It become one only after I had already passed by.

And I didn’t look back. I never do. That’s a matter of principle with me. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. It’s water under the bridge and there’s no use crying over spilled milk. Besides, two wrongs don’t make a right, so I kept on walking, took a left, and now here I am, a so-called person of interest regarding something I have no interest in and know nothing about. I didn’t know him. “We never said it was a man, sir.” His name doesn’t mean anything to me. “We didn’t mention his name, sir.” If I don’t know him and his name doesn’t mean anything to me, then I’m sure he’s no more interested in me than I am in him, which makes neither of us a person of interest. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that we are both persons of disinterest.

About that whole looking back thing — like I said, it’s a simple matter of principle: I don’t get involved. Getting involved … well, it involves … showing interest. I don’t show interest, I’m not a person of interest, I’m not even an interesting person. I don’t get involved, and I don’t look back. These are my principles, and you are violating my principles by holding me here as a person of interest. You’re of no interest to me. Why try to force the issue? We simply aren’t meant to be friends, so kindly let me go on my way and I promise that I won’t look back. I never look back. You have my word. And my word is as good as my principles.

“You are wearing his shoes, sir.” Of course I’m not wearing his shoes. How could I be wearing his shoes? I wasn’t even at the scene of the crime. “We didn’t say that a crime had been committed, sir.” I wasn’t even close enough to be a witness. I couldn’t be a witness because my back was turned. I always turn my back, even when I pass something, but this time I didn’t pass anything, and yet I still turned my back, as a kind of precautionary measure, you might say. “Why would you want to be cautious, sir?”

Everyone is cautious. We learn to be cautious. Look both ways before you cross the street, be sure to take your umbrella with you, look before you leap, keep your eyes on the road, let sleeping dogs lie, be careful in the rain. “It’s not raining now, sir.” Or course it’s not raining now! Do you think I don’t know it’s not raining now? That’s just an figure of speech, an idiom. Do you know what an idiom is? “Your shoes are muddy, sir.” Yes, well, they are, aren’t they? That’s interesting, isn’t it? Here it is, not even raining, and my shoes are muddy. I don’t know why that is. You guys sure have a lot of questions. How about offering up some answers for a change? Why are my shoes muddy? “We’ll ask the questions, sir.” Oh, so that’s how it’s going to be, eh? You get to ask all the questions — Were you there? What time were you there? Why were you there? — and I’m left to fumble as best I can with answers, answers to questions that I’m not interested in and don’t even understand.

I could just turn my back on your questions, you know that, don’t you? But you’d probably just position yourselves in front of me. I know your kind. You won’t quit until you’ve got what you want. I know you. I know what you want. “What do we want, sir?” Don’t play stupid with me! You want what everybody wants! You want to find out who did it! And if I weren’t a disinterested party, then I’d want to find out too. But, as I said, I am neither interested nor interesting.

Completely and utterly disinterested, that’s what I am.  “Sir, did you do it, sir?” Listen to yourselves, would you? You drape your insinuations in pretensions of politeness, “sir” this and “sir” that. Do you think I’m an old man or something? Do you think I’m just some passerby that you can pin something on, that I don’t have people who care about what happens to me, people who will be down your throats if you keep on in this fashion? I’ve got contacts, you know! I know people. I’m not just nobody! “Is that your briefcase, sir?” My briefcase? Of course it’s my briefcase. I take it to work with me every morning. “Did you have it with you this morning on the way to work, sir?” Yes, of course I did, and please stop calling me “sir.” “Would you mind opening the briefcase, sir?” Yes, I would mind. I would mind very much. And I told you to stop calling me sir. “Just open the briefcase, sir.” I don’t have a key. “You don’t have a key, sir?” That right, I don’t have a key. Are you deaf or something? I don’t have a key! “Do you mind if I open the briefcase, sir?” Knock yourself out. As far as I’m concerned, you can open it, crawl inside, and close it back up again. And make sure you lock it while you’re at it. “Do you recognize these papers, sir?” I don’t know, I carry a lot of papers. “Do you recognize the name on these papers, sir?” It’s dark, and the lighting is poor. How can you expect me to read under these conditions? “Under what conditions, sir?” These conditions. What are you, blind as well as deaf? These conditions here! “Do you mean the conditions you turned your back on, sir?” If there were conditions behind me, then yes, obviously, I had my back toward them. “Is this your gun, sir?” No. “It’s not your gun, sir?” No. “How did it get into your briefcase, sir?”

Maybe it’s not my briefcase. “Not your briefcase, sir?” Maybe not. “Did you fire the gun, sir?” I don’t remember. “You don’t remember, sir?” I don’t remember. I don’t remember a lot of things these days. “Do you recognize this man, sir?” The picture is faded. Besides, he looks much older than I remember him. “So you do recognize him, sir?” I said he looks older than I remember him, that doesn’t mean that I recognize him. On the contrary, it means I nearly didn’t recognize him. “Nearly, sir?” Yes, nearly. What part of nearly do you not understand?

“Do you live around here, sir?” Of course I live around here! Why else would I be walking in this area at this time of night? “Do you frequently take walks in this area at this time of night, sir?” Yes, I frequently take walks in this area at this time of night. What of it? “And is that your house, sir, the one over there?” My house? You mean the one with all the lights flashing? What are all those flashing lights? What’s going on at my house? “Those are ambulances, sir. And squad cars.” Ambulances? Squad cars? Was somebody hurt? “Yes, sir.” Do I know him? “We believe you did, sir.” Did? Was he a good man? “We can’t say for sure, sir.” Did he … was he the man in the photograph? “Yes, sir. It was the picture on your driver license.”

What do I do now, officers? “Do you have any last requests, sir?” Is it too late for you to read me my rights? “I’m afraid it is, sir. Now, if you don’t mind, sir, please just turn your back on us so that we can get on with our business. You are free to go.”