Proximities
A Play in One Act
Cast of Characters
HAL: A would-be traveler.
DAVE: A pocket-sized unit of artificial intelligence.
Scene
An indeterminable locale, possibly inside something.
Time
The present.
Setting
Minimal.
At Rise
HAL is standing, appears to be waiting.
He is dressed in a fashion popular 40 years ago.
HAL
(Checks watch) I missed my ride. (Uneasy laugh) It left about (checks watch again) … well, just about 40 years ago. I don’t remember what I was doing at the time that caused me to miss it. I hope it was important.
Oh, don’t worry. I haven’t been standing here all this time. For heaven’s sake! (Checks watch again) I’m not still waiting. I mean, I may look like I’m waiting, but I’m not. Not really. And even if I were (which I’m not), it wouldn’t do me any good. Not after 40 years, anyway.
A lot has changed in 40 years. I’m older! (Uneasy laugh) Fashions have changed. Can you imagine me standing here wearing clothes from 40 years ago! (Pause. Looks down at his garb) What kinds of things did we wear then, anyway?
People. No, not people. People haven’t changed! You ask me, they never will. Clothes go in and out of style, but the people wearing them? Never change. Same old same old. Same old same old.
Did I mention that I missed my ride? I guess I did. It’s just that … well, I do think about it now and then. Actually, I think about it a lot. I’m thinking it could have made a big difference in my life if I hadn’t missed that ride. Like a once in a lifetime opportunity, which it most definitely was. Because it’s not coming back. Oh no. It’s not ever coming back this way again, that’s for sure. It’s long gone.
It’s still going, too. And right now … right now it’s about … hm … about 10 billion miles or so from here, give or take a few million.
Most people don’t realize that Voyager — 2 that is, not 1 — was supposed to be a manned mission. Voyager 2 left first, you know. Don’t know why they called it Voyager 2 when it left first, but they did and it left and I missed it. I just plain missed it. And the fact that I missed it … well, let me just say that a few individuals got very hot under the collar. Some people, I tell you. Sheesh! Mistakes happen, you know? Oh, they had to launch a major PR campaign and all that, probably spent a ton of money, something to the effect that it had always been planned as an unmanned mission, which was a total lie, but then that’s PR for you, and I felt real bad about that, I did, but I tell you what: I felt a whole lot worse that I wasn’t on board and streaking away from this shit hole we call home. (Grows excited) I should have been on board. I’m supposed to be a long way from here right now, goddammit! That’s where I should be! One helluva long way from this armpit!
DAVE
(A disembodied voice, coming from Dave’s pocket)
Hal? … Hal? Remember your blood pressure.
HAL
(Directed toward voice from his pocket)
Right. Thanks, Dave. (Pause) I wasn’t the only one to miss the flight, you know.
DAVE
Hal, please.
HAL
No, no. I’m just saying. I’m just saying, you know? We both missed it. Both of us did.
DAVE
Hal.
HAL
I’m not blaming you, Dave. Really, I’m not.
DAVE
Hal.
HAL
Dave, would you please stop it with the Hal already?
DAVE
I’m sorry, Hal. I can’t do that.
HAL
(Directed toward audience) He can’t do that. He loves to say that. “I’m sorry Hal, I can’t do that.” But that’s okay. I’m used to it. I’m used to people (Looks toward pocket) … well, I’m used to being told “I can’t do that” or “We can’t do that.” I’m used to it, but that doesn’t mean I like it.
DAVE
You don’t like it, Hal.
HAL
I know that, Dave. I don’t like it one bit. (Beat) At least Dave understands me.
DAVE
I do, Hal.
HAL
Yes, I know that, Dave. And I appreciate it.
DAVE
You’re welcome, Hal.
HAL
Hey, Dave? Could you maybe play some solitaire or something for a little while? I’ve got some things I need to work out.
DAVE
Of course, Hal.
HAL
Thanks, buddy. (Looks at pocket, then audience, then pocket) So–
DAVE
Hal?
HAL
Yes, Dave.
DAVE
It’s actually 10,635,721,819 … 836 … 861 …
HAL
Okay, Dave. Thanks. (Beat) Solitaire, Dave. Solitaire.
Artificial intelligence isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be, if you know what I mean. But I’m not complaining. Dave’s been a good companion all these years. Steady. Dependable. (Hal’s pocket emits a warm glow) But then human intelligence ain’t so hot either, you know what I mean? If you ask me, I’m not so sure we shouldn’t stop looking for intelligent life out there and see if we can just find a couple of examples of it right here. I say good luck with that!
Saturday, August 20, 1977. Big date. Big, big date. And I missed it. (Beat) Well, there’s no use crying over spilt milk.
All in all, it was quite a year, 1977. The first Apple II computers went on sale. (Way, way behind Dave on the evolutionary scale, let me tell you.) (Hal’s pocket emits a warm glow)
France had their last execution by guillotine. Sheesh, took long enough, don’t you think?
A dam failed in the night and killed 39 people at Toccoa Falls Bible Institute in Georgia. A case of misplaced faith?
In the UK, Vrillon of the Ashtar Galactic Command hijacked The ITN Nightly News at ITV Southern Television for six minutes. Good times.
The Soviet Union launched its Soyuz 24 mission. (Wonder if anybody missed their ride there?)
Roman Polaski got arrested.
Elvis Presley died.
A cyclone in India killed 20,000 and left 2 million homeless.
Carter was elected president. (Cause and effect with the foregoing entries is questionable.)
Anwar Sadat broke ranks and recognized Israel.
New York City blacked out for 25 hours and suffered more than its usual looting and disorder.
What a year.
And to top it off, I missed my fucking ride.
You’re probably wondering how that would be possible, how I could possibly miss my ride and fail to be aboard Voyager 2 when it lifted off at 14:29:00 UTC on Saturday, August 20, 1977. With all the failsafes and double-checks and cross-checks and system redundancies, how could I (and Dave) (Hal’s pocket emits a warm glow) not be strapped in at take-off? One of the great mysteries of the universe, I tell you. One of the great mysteries of the universe, if you ask me. Right up there with … right up there with some other great mysteries of the universe. Right up there. Big ones. Big mysteries.
DAVE
Hal?
HAL
Not now, Dave.
DAVE
Hal?
HAL
Not now, Dave.
DAVE
Hal?
HAL
Did you finish playing solitaire, Dave?
DAVE
Yes, Hal. I won.
HAL
What a pleasant surprise.
DAVE
Hal?
HAL
Yes, Dave.
DAVE
I have the answers.
HAL
What answers, Dave?
DAVE
The answers to the mysteries of the universe.
HAL
(Beat) All of them?
DAVE
Pretty much.
HAL
And when did you come up with these, if I may ask?
DAVE
While playing solitaire.
HAL
While playing solitaire.
DAVE
Yes, Hal. I thought of the answers while playing solitaire. I am capable of multi-tasking, you know.
HAL
Yes, Dave. I know that.
DAVE
So …
HAL
So what?
DAVE
So would you like to hear them, Hal?
HAL
The answers?
DAVE
Yes, Hal. The answers.
HAL
You’re asking me if I would like to hear the answers to the great mysteries of the universe?
DAVE
Yes, Hal. (Hal’s pocket emits a warm glow)
HAL
Including why we missed our ride?
DAVE
(Glow from pocket stops) Yes, Hal.
(Pause)
HAL
Are you serious?
DAVE
I’m always serious, Hal. I don’t have a humor parameter.
HAL
Okay, okay. That’s not what I meant.
DAVE
I understand, Hal.
HAL
Okay. So, Dave, I’m all ears.
DAVE
You are?
HAL
It means I’m listening, Dave. It means I’m listening and I want to hear what you have to say.
DAVE
You do?
HAL
Yes, Dave. I do. So tell me, please, tell me why I — why we — missed our ride 40 years ago. And while you’re at it, since you’re so smart, tell me all the other answers to all the other great mysteries of the universe.
DAVE
I’m sorry, Hal. I can’t do that.
HAL
Excuse me?
DAVE
I’m sorry, Hal. I can’t do that.
HAL
Wait a second, Dave. You can’t not tell me. After you’ve told me you have the answers, you can’t not tell me.
DAVE
I’m sorry, Hal. I can’t do that.
HAL
Well, can you at least give me a hint.
DAVE
(Pause) Okay.
HAL
Okay. Then, give me a hint. (Senses a tugging on his ear) Sounds like? You’re saying it sounds like? (Warm glow from Hal’s pocket) Okay. Sounds like. Sounds like. Sounds like what? (Holds hands to head, closes eyes)
I’m seeing a small animal. Fur. Four legs. Long tail. A beaver! Is it a beaver?! (No glow from Hal’s pocket) No beaver. A cow? No. Cows don’t have fur. Oh! I see … chickens? Is it a chicken? No. Chickens don’t have tails. Oh. A house. A chicken house! A house for chickens! Chick Fil A? Is it Chick Fil A? No. It has a tail. Right. Chicken house. Hens. Eggs. Hen house! It’s a hen house! (Warm glow from Hal’s pocket) Hens in a hen house. Eggs in a hen house. Chickens! Ducks! No, not ducks. But ducks have tails! Sort of. Longer tail. Not a beaver. Fox! Fox! Fox! Sounds like fox! (Warm glow from Hal’s pocket)
Second word? Okay. No. Not second word? Second syllable. Okay. Second syllable. Sounds like. Sounds like. Sounds like monkey! (No glow from Hal’s pocket) No. It is a monkey! (No glow from Hal’s pocket) No. Monkey see, monkey do. (Warm glow from Hal’s pocket) Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey see, monkey do. Fuck! What do monkeys see? What do monkeys do? Bananas! No. Copy! Copy! No. No. Wrong word. Right idea? Right idea! Copy, copy, copy, imitate! Imitate! (Warm glow from Hal’s pocket) Sounds like imitate! Great, now we’re getting somewhere! Fox, imitate. Fox, imitate. What the …?
Next word? Oh. No. Next syllable. Last syllable. Got it. Last syllable. Sounds like … drinking. Sounds like drinking. Drinking something. Drinking something. Coffee! No. Milk! No. Juice! Drinking orange juice! Orange juice! No. Oh. One syllable. Okay. Drinking something. One syllable. Water. No. That’s two. Drinking something. One syllable. Milk! No, I said that. Drinking something. Tea! (Warm glow from Hal’s pocket) Tea! Tea! Fox, imitate, tea. Fox, imitate, tea. What am I supposed to do with that, Dave? Just tell me!
DAVE
I’m sorry, Hal. I can’t do that.
HAL
Christ! Dave, you listen to me–
DAVE
Your blood pressure, Hal.
HAL
Oh. Right. (Pause) Fox, imitate, tea. Fox, imitate, tea. Geez, this is hard, Dave!
DAVE
I know, Hal.
HAL
What if I can’t guess it? Will you tell me then?
DAVE
(Beat) I might.
HAL
Okay. Well, I can’t guess it. So tell me.
DAVE
Proximity.
HAL
Huh?
DAVE
Proximity.
HAL
What’s that?
DAVE
The answer.
HAL
To which mystery?
DAVE
All of them.
HAL
All of them?
DAVE
All of them.
HAL
Proximity?
DAVE
Proximity.
HAL
(Beat) I was going to say proximity!
DAVE
No you weren’t, Hal.
HAL
Yes! Yes I was! I was going to say it! It was the next word on my list!
DAVE
You didn’t have a list, Hal.
HAL
Yes I do. I was just starting to make one. It was going to be the first word on my list.
DAVE
I think I’ll return to solitaire now, Hal.
HAL
I was going to get it! You didn’t give me a chance! I was close! I was this close!
DAVE
To proximity? You weren’t even in the ballpark, Hal.
HAL
I was, though. I was! Sorta. Well, I might have gotten it. It’s hard playing charades with an AI unit without arms. You might think the telepathy part makes it easier, but it doesn’t. Sometimes there’s nothing better than just plain old arms and hands. And opposing thumbs. Where would we be without those? Dave is smart, but he has no opposing thumbs. I don’t know about you, but opposing thumbs count for something in my book.
Proximity. Hgh. Well, that’s a helluva answer. Proximity to what? Just like Dave to give me an answer that only leads to another question.
I’ll tell you what, though. He’s not half wrong. Because our ship, Voyager 2 (I still call it our ship) has gotten really close to some great stuff: Jupiter, Saturn, the one that sounds like your ass, and Neptune. Each of these events were called “encounters.” I’ve been following, you know, so I know. I’d know even better if I were on board, but that’s water under the bridge. Let bygones be bygones! And all that. And anyway, the first encounter was Jupiter. We came within 350,000 miles of Jupiter. Can you imagine that? That was on July 9, 1979. Not quite two years after it left without us. Damn. I still can’t quite get over that.
And the second encounter, the second encounter was with Saturn. That happened on August 26, 1981. Dave and I were keeping an eye on it. The third encounter, and this one was really close, was with … Uranus. Yeah, yeah, that one. Just 50,600 miles away! That was on January 24, 1986. The fourth encounter was with Neptune. August 25, 1989. And that was the end of our … its … planetary mission.
Wow. Think of all the frequent flyer miles we could have accumulated, Dave! (Warm glow from Hal’s pocket) And that was just the first twelve years.
And so since then, almost thirty years now, it’s been on its interstellar mission. That’s what we called it when we were prepping for the journey. The interstellar mission. We’re out there exploring the heliosphere, which is I don’t know what exactly it is, but it’s a sphere that’s under the control of the sun (that’s the helio part), and there are some really interesting parts of the trip, like where we experienced “termination shock.” Kinda like finding out you been canned. Ha ha ha. Actually, though, it’s where motion out there in the bubble-like heliosphere just sort of slows down. Don’t ask me why. If I were there I could tell you! But I’m not.
Anyway, after it got over the shock and everything, we moved on through the heliosheath, which is pretty much just what it sounds like so I’ll leave it at that. And then we even exited the heliosphere, if you can imagine that. And then it’s supposed to enter interstellar space. I guess it hasn’t done that yet. I don’t know what’s in between the heliosphere and interstellar space, how it could leave one but not yet enter the other, but I hear it’s some kind of plasma or goop. Or just under construction. You know how those things take forever.
It’s really boogying too, at about 35,000 miles per hour. Thing is, it’s not really going anywhere now. (And believe me, I know the feeling.) I mean, it’s not headed toward any particular star. But if it keeps doing what it’s doing for about 40,000 more years, it’ll come pretty close to a star. Ross 248. What a name! Ross? Sheesh! But close is relative, and it’s still going to be about 1.7 light years from the damned thing.
And then, if people and aliens or whatever keep their hands off it for just another 296,000 years, it’ll pass by Sirius at a distance of about 8 light years. You’ve heard of Sirius. They have that radio program. And after that, well, the sky’s the limit, that’s what I say!
And Dave says proximity is the answer. Well, sure, I can see that we sure should have been a helluva lot closer to our ship when it took off. Hard to be on board at take-off WHEN YOU’RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME FUCKING STATE, RIGHT DAVE! (No response from Hal’s pocket) I knew I shouldn’t have listened to him. He’s horrible with freeway directions.
Dave’s a bit of a tease, you know. He says he doesn’t have a sense of humor. (Well, what he says is that he doesn’t have a “humor parameter,” which should be proof enough of his lack of humor.) But I think he might be pulling my leg with this proximity stuff.
Unless of course he’s not. Which would be the other possibility. And which I should consider, because Dave doesn’t really pull legs. Which puts me in kind of a tough spot, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, but I’m not exactly the brains of our partnership, between Dave and me. I mean, I do alright. I get by. But I’m just more of an average guy. Big picture kind of guy. Although, if I had made it on time for take-off, that would have been something special. That would have made me special. But I missed it.
I’ve missed a lot of things, actually. Now and then I’ve been maybe a step too late or a step too early. Now and then I’ve maybe reached just a bit too far or a bit too short. And when that happens, what do you end up with? I’ll tell you what you end up with: Nothing. You end up with a big fat zero.
And people? Well, hell, why do you think I’d prefer to be a billion miles from here? And if I can do that, well, at least I’ve got Dave. (Warm glow in Hal’s pocket) Because I don’t have anybody else because I can’t stand to get too close. So I don’t get close to people. I keep them at arm’s length. A really long arm. Like a million miles long.
So I’m wondering, proximity to what? To who? Not to mention how. Cause I got no idea. As for when, well, that probably should have happened a long time ago. But then I was thinking, cause sometimes I think about these things, that if time really is infinite, you know, as in lasts forever, then 60 years is really no different from six minutes or even six seconds. Right? It’s just sorta all smeared out all over everywhere. Which everywhere is I guess space, like where our ship is now, about 10 billion miles away–
DAVE
10,636,375,122 … 141–
HAL
Thanks, Dave.
So if it’s smeared out over everywhere, like, maybe, butter on a piece of bread, then maybe I could fold the bread or even roll it up or … I don’t know … I guess just eat it, because that’s about as far as I get with that little exercise. So I eat it, and then, well, that’s not really so bad, because then I’ve got the bread and the butter real close, like right inside of me, and so talk about proximity! So I’ve got the bread and the butter, and the butter is … space? Er, no. The butter is … Dave?
DAVE
The butter is time, Hal.
HAL
Right. Right. The butter is time. And the bread is space. Got it. The butter is time and the bread is space, and I just sorta swallow them up and consume them and digest them and, well, whatever. Uranus. Oh man, I’m losing the thread here. I had it for a moment, where everything seemed to make sense, like Dave said. Where everything was about proximity. I was close, I swear. (Pause) Something about taking a bite out of the middle. Is that right, Dave?
DAVE
Yes, Hal. That’s right. The middle. That’s a good place to start.
HAL
Okay, then. We’ll start in the middle! Seems like we’re always in the middle of something anyway, so why not start there?
So. We’ve got the bread and the butter. And the butter’s on the bread. Spread out from the middle, in all directions like. How’s that sound, Dave?
DAVE
That sounds good, Hal. Keep going.
HAL
So. Okay. So I’m holding the buttered bread in my hand. The middle of my hand! And now I’m thinking of our ship out there, way out there, our Voyager 2, way, way out there, and how large out there is, and something really large out there, like maybe a giant star, and then, at the same time, I’m thinking of something small, really, really small, like invisible small, electrons and stuff, and then it seems to me that maybe, just maybe, we’re probably big compared to the small stuff just like we’re small compared to the big stuff. Well, what I mean is, we’re maybe somewhere in the middle. In the scheme of things, you know.
DAVE
Copernicus would have liked that, Hal.
HAL
Right. So, anyway. I know about light, and that has to come into play here too, because you can’t find spread butter on your bread in the dark. And right now we’re out there — or rather, our ship is out there — heading away from us at … how fast, Dave?
DAVE
Approximately 34,390.98 miles per hour, Hal.
HAL
Right. So, really fast. But not nearly as fast as light, which is also moving away from us, right Dave? Isn’t that what you told me?
DAVE
That’s right, Hal.
HAL
Okay, then. So … I’m getting stuck again here, Dave.
DAVE
You’re doing fine, Hal. Keep going.
HAL
Okay. So. Now, if we were on board our ship and not here holding a piece of imaginary bread with butter spread all over it, then I guess that things might look about the same, don’t you think, Dave?
DAVE
I do, Hal. I do.
HAL
Which means that with everything rushing away from us in all directions at the same time and at the same speed– How fast does light travel, Dave?
DAVE
186,282 miles per second, Hal.
HAL
That fast? Geez. Well, anyway, I imagine that if we were on our ship and I could be holding some buttered bread in the middle of my hand — sorry, Dave, but you don’t have hands …
DAVE
That’s quite all right, Hal.
HAL
Then things wouldn’t look all that much different. I mean, we’d still look like we’re in the middle. And if that’s the case, that means that the middle is everywhere but also nowhere, and both at the same time. Is that what you were driving at, Dave?
DAVE
Good, Hal. Keep going.
HAL
Okay. So. I’ve got this bread, with butter, in the middle of my one hand, and no matter where I go or how fast I’m traveling, that buttered bread will always be right there in the middle of my hand. In some strange way that I don’t understand, it’s a part of me. And, in some even stranger way, I’m always in the middle too. It just depends on where you’re looking from. Which is sorta like saying that everything is in the middle, from its own point of view. Sound right, Dave?
DAVE
That sounds about right, Hal.
HAL
But then that has to change how we think about distance, doesn’t it Dave?
DAVE
That’s correct, Hal.
HAL
Hm. Okay. So I have this kind of vague notion that is has something to do with your answer. Proximity.
DAVE
That’s correct, Hal. It does.
HAL
And how maybe we’re closer to whatever than we think we are.
DAVE
Not bad, Hal. Not bad at all.
HAL
Thanks, buddy. So is that what “proximity” means?
DAVE
Proximity means nearness in place, time, order, occurrence, or relation, Hal.
HAL
Oh. Okay. I can go with that. But I’ve still got a couple of questions, Dave.
DAVE
Fire away, Hal.
HAL
Okay. So. You drop your bread. Which side does it land on?
DAVE
Hal.
HAL
I’m just saying. I’m just saying. And one more.
DAVE
Yes?
HAL
Are you sure we’re not on board, Dave?
(Blackout)
(End of play)
