IELTS (the International English Language Testing System) and TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) test English proficiency in the usual areas: Speaking, Listening, Reading, and Writing. Prep courses for the tests are common (it’s not a good idea to take one cold turkey), but I’m skeptical about certain parts.

Take Writing, for example. Students learn how essays must be written: (first paragraph) paraphrase the topic, (new paragraph) use a First (or Firstly [!]), insert For example, maybe write On the one hand (but if you do, don’t forget the other) and throw in a Furthermore, (new paragraph) use a Second (or Secondly [!]), insert another For example, add one In addition, (new paragraph) write Third (or Thirdly [!]), if you want to go out on a limb, write On the third hand then, just for a change of pace, a Moreover, (new paragraph) write In conclusion, rehash, reheat, and serve lukewarm …

Well, you get my drift. It’s all very cut and dried, rather like dehydrated food. The process removes water (the stuff of life, let’s not forget), and with it most of the bacteria that can spoil food. You get a product with a long shelf-life. You trade freshness for longevity. If only the process worked half as well with essays.

IELTS and TOEFL essays are often dry and lifeless things that you wouldn’t even want to put on your shelf let alone keep them there for any length of time. There’s nothing fresh about them. They need water. They need bacteria. Something, anything, alive — and preferably kicking.

Still, some students remain adamant. For those die-hards, I’ve drafted a template. Use it at your own risk.

Topic: Some people prefer this over that, while others prefer that over this. Still others dismiss both this and that in favor of the other thing. State which you prefer and explain your reasons. Be sure to use examples.

While it’s true that some people prefer this over that and others prefer that over this, I’m with the group that is in favor of the other thing. I have my reasons. In fact, I have [insert random number, but greater than one] reasons. Let me explain.

First, or firstly, in you prefer, we have on the one hand things that are typically designated as this. For example: this. Now, this is not usually a problem. In fact, this is often helpful. It helps us mark a difference, namely a difference from that. This denotes proximity. That denotes distance. However, this (and that) can lead to confusion at times. Take, for example, the question: “What have you been up to?” It’s not uncommon to hear this answer: “Oh, a little bit of this and that.” It sounds like a lot of useless back and forth to me. That’s one reason why I don’t like this.

Second, or secondly, if you prefer, and on the other hand, I don’t like that because it’s a lot like this, as we saw in the example above. That (and this) make me feel like a cat watching a ping-pong game. Cats can’t appreciate ping-pong. Moreover, neither can I. And I don’t like that because it takes a backseat to this. For example, we always say “this and that” and we never say “that and this.” Why not? Why can’t I put that before this? If you can put a cart before a horse (even if it is a bad idea), then why can’t you put a that before a this? I wish somebody could explain that to me.

Third, or thirdly, if you prefer, and perhaps even on the third hand (if I may be so bold), I have to say that not liking this and not liking that leaves me with only one choice. Fortunately, it’s the choice that I chose already: the other thing. And there many things that I could say about the other thing, certainly more than just this or that. For example: This and that are not as good as the other thing. I think this more than proves my point about that.

In conclusion, and finally, in summing up, let me say again what I said above but without repeating myself word for word. And since that (or this) is difficult to do, I would simply ask you to look again at what I already wrote, and you will see exactly what I said, because I said it already. And I think you will agree with me when I say: This and that just aren’t as good as the other thing.